What Is Normal?
Rethinking the Standard We Were Never Meant to Meet
I have been reflecting a lot on what is “normal” and what is considered the “standard.” Who defines what is normal? Who sets the standard?
As I get older, I am finding that there is no such thing as a normal family or normal people.
When I was in the Coast Guard, I served as the decedent affairs officer for the New England region. The Decedent Affairs Officer coordinates everything that happens after the death of a Coast Guard member. Such as confirming and documenting circumstances, safeguarding personal effects, arranging for the recovery and transport of remains, and ensuring military honors are properly rendered. Just as important, the DAO serves as the family’s primary point of contact, helping them navigate benefits, paperwork, funeral arrangements, and timelines during an emotionally overwhelming time.
I worked with many families while in that role. It was a difficult job; death is never easy. But the family dynamics that surfaced following the death were the most difficult to navigate.
I found myself asking, is there any family that is normal?
There was always some sort of drama. Whether it was a mistress showing up at the gravesite that no one knew about, a suicide note revealing a crime they committed, or an estranged family member named as a beneficiary. There was always some skeleton in the closet or a secret that was revealed. In four years, I did not have one “normal” funeral.
How the idea of “normal” began
So, who originally set this “normal” standard that no family is really living up to?
What I have found is that falling short of that standard is far more common than meeting it. I have yet to encounter a truly normal family. There is always something. A secret. An addiction. A crime. Financial issues. Affairs. An estranged child.
The idea of a “normal” person or family was never a universal truth. It was constructed over time by institutions with the power to define, measure, and reward conformity. In the late 19th and early 20th centuries, social scientists framed “normal” as whatever fell closest to a statistical average. Governments, religious institutions, psychology, and postwar policy reinforced a narrow ideal of the nuclear, heterosexual, two-parent household. Media and law further pushed this model until it felt like it was the standard.
But normal rarely means healthy or loving. Most of the time, it just means “acceptable”. Acceptable to institutions, to systems, to people in power who decide what families should look like and how people should live. As we learn more about trauma, culture, and human development, it becomes obvious that well-being does not come in one shape or structure. People and families do not thrive by squeezing themselves into someone else’s mold. They thrive when they build lives and relationships that allow for safety and room to grow.
So, how does this impact us?
Trying to appear as normal as possible actually hinders our ability to step fully into your authenticity. It also keeps us in complete denial of how things actually are. When we are so focused on being normal, we ignore anything that does not fit the image. We miss it because we don’t want to see it. Until one day, it hits us like a ton of bricks. Sometimes literally. Because we chose to ignore it until this point.
I am not here to judge anyone for their lack of normalcy. I am also not here to list how my family veers off from the norm. Instead, let’s talk about normalizing not being normal.
And if you don’t view your family as abnormal yet, stand by. It’s coming. It has been there all along, so there is no need to panic. Sometimes the abnormal is just slightly off-center. Other times it is far off. Where we get into trouble is in thinking we are immune. No family, of any demographic, is immune.
So I challenge all of us to embrace the abnormal. Stop striving so hard to appear normal. Instead, show it. Don’t hide. Be yourself. Talk about it. Challenge it.
Allow that veer from normal to be the thing that actually brings you together. No blame. No judgment. No ridicule. Just a loving space to be present with all the drama, all the secrets, all the shit.
It is there that the abnormal will start to be redefined into a more practical definition. Not grounded in utter B.S.